originalprint 2/12/08
February the 14 th is fast approaching, you had a year to get your stuff straight yet here you sit, Valentine-less yet again.
I know , you almost went on a date, but you had that 40 man raid, and your guild was counting on you. Don't fret, it's not to late for you, you basement dwelling sad hunk of nerd.
There are many options available to get a quick V-day hook up in just under 100 clicks or a hundred dollars.
The key to successful online love is being truthful with your evaluation of yourself. You have to pick a website that matches your unique level of pathetic or weird.
For the basic run of the mill dork, Myspace is your best bet, but be wary as your competing against individuals with actual social skills and possibly charisma.
This might be too much for you, but if you are brave enough to venture into the social network web Myspace is a great way to go.
For those that like their potential dates ethnically categorized you can try BlackPlanet.com, Migente.com or AsianAve.com.
Success on these sites is all about pictures. Pictures for these sites should be taken in your bathroom and in the most awkward angles humanly possible. So if you break mirrors with your smile, or make babies cry you might want to find another way to get that oh-so-elusive-internet cutty.
If you can't handle your own on Myspace there are more desperate means of achieving human contact.
It may take a turn for the weird but Craigslist.org isn't only for buying other people's garage sale leftovers, now you can get the emotionally damaged leftovers of relationships.
The traffic from normal people making purchases create an off chance that you might find a regular good natured miss or fellow that is just open to trying something new.
Of course the majority of people posting are either there looking for email addresses to terrorize or are attention seekers wondering how many responses they'll get.
Sadly half of the posts in the dating section of Craiglist look like this:
Buttsecks?? - m4w - 31
In the back seat of my Kia?
* Location: Samsung Dong
So you might have to do some soul searching and ask yourself how much you really want that V-day sweetie.
Urchins of society aside, it's going to pretty easy to hook up with someone.
Of course after you do the Craiglist.com hook up the only place you'll be able to find a Valentine will be HerpesDating.com.
In the off chance that you can't score someone who can stand to be around you on Cupid day you could dig a little deeper in the bucket of sadness that is the internet dating pool, or perhaps you just have to find a more captive audience.
Sometimes you have to find someone that is amazingly more desperate than yourself, like the incarcerated!
To a woman that hasn't seen any other men than the ones that lock her cell you might seem like quite a catch.
Sadly internet access is forbidden in US correctional institutions but the good people at Meet-An-Inmate.com took the trouble of finding social and non lethal looking inmates that are open to having pen pal relationships.
It will be like one of those old period movies where two lovers have no other correspondence except the postman, the only difference is your sweetie is doing hard time.
Even more convenient for you is the fact the Meet-an-Inmate.com makes sure to tell you when your inmate's parole is up. That way you can skedaddle before the hearing, least this jail bird actually tries to track you down.
Now let's say that even women behind bars want nothing to do with you, no worries, if you can afford an average of 20 to 22.50 dollars a month you can skip the human aspect of a relationship all together.
You only need this valentine to prove to your family that you aren't going to die alone.
Well, why draw another person into your web of lies; just order a relationship, you can buy love with a PayPal account.
With Imaginarygirlfriend.com you can prove something to yourself with out the burden of guilt that you are lying to another human being.
They supply you with picture of your "girlfriend" that you can Photoshop yourself into, hand written letters sprayed with your "girlfriend"'s perfume, panties and some even will leave messages on your answering machine.
Pathetic? Yes.
Weird? Most certainly, but you wanted a valentine right?
© Copyright 2009 Observer
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Aw, imaginarygirlfriend.com is gone. That's a shame. I was ready for a solid laugh.
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